so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
