I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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