One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
