I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
