I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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