I can tuck mytits in my pants
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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