you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
