when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
