If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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