Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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