literally had 100 drinks last night.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
