Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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