i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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