I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
