Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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