Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
