You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
