I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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