wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
