you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I met the friendliest cop last night
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
