The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
