I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
