Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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