I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
