I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
