I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
