she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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