she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
