I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
