Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize