Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
