did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
