Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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