My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
