just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
