She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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