Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize