What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
