Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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