I puked a lego.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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