put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
