I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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