He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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