I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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