Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
