So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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