Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
