Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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