The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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