How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize