She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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