So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
