Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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