apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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