That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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