The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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