Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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