i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
