im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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