after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
