I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I need a beard to bite.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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