I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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