Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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