why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
