All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize