Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize