Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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